Where I Am & Where I've Been

Well... it's been a while but I have not dropped off the face of the earth. I have struggled with anxiety for a number of years now and in July, I had a major attack. One of the worst ones to date, at least that I can remember. So this post is going to be an update and also sharing a bit about my anxiety for the first time. As always, I am so thankful to you for your continued support and for being a part of my tribe!

(And I think I am finally *mostly* back to normal!!!)

I know that anxiety looks different for everyone but for me, it looks like cancelled events and physical symptoms. I describe it as "falling over the edge". It's like nervousness on steroids. My mind and body disconnect and my body is in a hyper-aware state; flight mode is another way to put it. I get what I call "anxiety stomach" which is intense pain in my stomach area, often nausea, and some other physical symptoms as well. Oh, and my heart races. Even little things that would normally be fine can make me panicky. And the problem is that, because my body has disconnected from my mind, I can't calm myself down. 

This is not something that happens to me super regularly, and usually not with the intensity of this episode, but it kind of simmers in the background all the time. There are certain fears and situations that are more likely to trigger it than others. To this day I still don't know what caused the first one but I am so thankful that I can get help with supplements to help my mind and body calm down and this past time, I was told about a treatment called NeuroEmotional Technique (NET) and it helps your body process emotions that its been holding on to to help your body heal. It's AMAZING! 

Living with anxiety leaves me feeling very weak as a person. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I had more control over my mind and body. I wish I could be stronger. But I was absolutely blown away by the love and support I received from so many people. Because this last event was so much bigger and longer, more people learned about it, which I think in the long run is going to be good for me. No one made me feel stupid or worthless for what I was going through but they made me feel cared for and loved. It was really beautiful. 

So what did life look like for the past month? Well, I barely ate for almost two weeks. I struggled to sleep and had very little energy so I spent a lot of time just resting on my bed and listening to things. Even after I started to improve, I had nothing to give creatively. That's why I haven't posted here in so long and why my Instagram has suffered as well. I had to cancel so many plans. One of the things, at least for me, in healing from an anxiety episode, is that I have to be so careful of how much I push myself. It's always a balancing act but something I'm pleased with myself about is that I do a good job knowing when to push myself to do something and when to give grace and let something go. 98% of the time I am very comfortable with my decisions; even if I am sad that I missed out on something, I know it was the right thing to do. 

I'm living life very presently right now. Trying to do things that calm me and fill me up. Even reading has been light because a lot of what I read gets my heart pounding and that is not what we are going for right now :) I'm just trying to be gentle with myself and do what I need to do to get back to normal. While I could write you a list of what I haven't done, instead I will catch you up on some of what I have done over the past few weeks. Since I didn't do a July recap or August intro, this will kind of combine both. 

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Life Lately

July started off well! We had a nice 4th, including an amazing fireworks show! Another Barbie movie night happened and I got to meet up with my friend and her son at a park for a lovely evening. But to be honest, July 10th-12th were PACKED and I think that was a contributing factor to what happened on July 14th. Not the cause, but I was already wound up so it didn't help. However, I do not regret those events because they were so life-giving to me!

Starting July 14th, I basically did nothing but edit for two weeks. I did have some appointments to get help for my anxiety-induced issues, but I barely left my house otherwise. The last half of July is pretty much an experience I'd rather never experience again. 

Editing went GREAT in July! I've never made that much in one month in my entire life! 

So far August is going well. I'm still working on getting back to normal but I am mostly there. I went to lunch with a friend and then we floated the Huron River. I've been helping my brother clean and organize his spaces, and got to meet my friend's new baby!

Something that has been hard in the midst of my healing process is that two of my friends have moved away and my Bible study was in question for a minute (thankfully we are still meeting!). There has just been a lot of change in one month and, while I am much better with change than I used to be, it's still hard for me and I don't handle lots of it at one time very well :)

What I've Been Loving

• NET sessions. I did four in July and I am still amazed at the things they uncovered and that I can be healed from them! It's mind blowing. 
  
• Starting my Craftoria kit. I'm not very far but it's started now and I am enjoying it!
  
• Seeing friends and family. Ones I don't see much. It was nice to have some conversations and catch up.
  
• Worship nights. I love to sing with fellow believers!
  
• Baking. Making things and working with my hands has been something I've been craving in the healing process. 
  
• Holding babies. A one year old, a one-month old, and a one-week old! It's just the best! 
  

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My Bookshelf

Currently reading: Every Home A Foundation by Phylicia Masonheimer & paused on my reread of Ilyon Chronicles until my body fully calms down. 

• The Mermaid's Tale by L.E. Richmond. One of my favorite books of the year!
• Secondary Target by Angela Carlisle. A brand new author for me and what a great debut!
• The Summer of You & Me by Denise Hunter. A wonderful read, one that I’ll read again, and I would recommend for 18+
• Every Hour Until Then by Gabrielle Meyer. Excellent addition to this incredible series!
• Gelato At The Villa by Robin Jones Gunn. Light but with depth. Just what I needed to get back into reading while I calmed down. 
  
• Garden City by John Mark Comer. Showed me my faulty views on work. Absolutely life-changing! 
  

I wish I could say that this is going to be the start of me getting back to my regular programming but I don't know. My creative well is still dry and I'm going to do whatever I feel I need to do. So I will just say, "until next time"!