What Does Community Look Like?

What is community? What does it mean? What does it look like? Is it coffee dates and brunches and intentional time with no distractions? Is it activities and events? Yes, it is those things, but is it more? What if it went deeper than that?

Kids have it easy. Our friends are the people we do activities and school with. Community is built in for kids. But once you're an adult, to quote Olaf, "This just got a whole lot harder." Now we have competing schedules and it takes conventionality to make friends. Sure, maybe we become friends with coworkers, but not always and some of us don't have coworkers we see every day :)

So what does community look like for young adults? What does it look like for singles and married couples to be friends. If we think and expect it to be coffee dates and dinners out, or going to a concert or event, then we will never have time to see friends or form relationships. What if community and friendships meant living life together?

What if married couples let single friends come over, even though the house wasn't perfect? What if people went grocery shopping together? What if it didn't matter that kids might interrupt the conversation or that laundry needed to be folded while talking? What if we went back to when we were kids and did life together?

It's hard to find several hours to spend with someone if you think it has to be one-on-one attention all the time. But it's much easier if you let life be life and live it alongside each other. I'm not saying this as well as I could (it is an easier conversation to have in person, ironically), but Phylicia Masonheimer just sent out a newsletter that talked about this very thing!!!! I'm going to let her explain from a married person's perspective :)

Dear friends,

Due to my life stage, a lot of my blog content focuses on marriage and family. But I always keep in mind my single readers, because there are plenty, and though I have dozens of blog posts on singleness still in the archive on my site (search here!) I often feel awkward discussing singleness at this point. After all, I've been in a relationship for ten years, married for eight. And singles don't always appreciate married people talking about singleness ;)

But one thing I want to chat about this week is the relationship between marrieds and singles. I hear from singles that married friends move on after their vows and leave them out; I hear from marrieds that singles don't understand why their marriage relationship has to come first, or that single friends feel uncomfortable after kids are born. I've been fortunate to have absolutely stellar single friends in my life, and I thought I would compile a list of things I've noticed that seem to help these relationships work.

• My single friends are not uncomfortable around my kids. My kids have the absolute best "aunts and uncles" in our single and kidless friends! Even those who aren't necessarily maternal/paternal are kind and engaged with our kiddos. When we taught college ministry, once a month all the students would come for a party and the way they interacted with our kids was so loving and kind. I think the real key here is in front of us: when we treat kids as fellow humans deserving of attention and respect, we don't have to feel "weird" about interacting with them.
• That said... I train my kids to respect my single friends. The flip side of this is unfortunate but it's a reality: if married people don't train their kids to be respectful, kind, and sociable with visitors/single friends, single friends aren't going to enjoy coming over, and certainly won't invite the fam bam over to hang out as often as you might like. This goes back to intentional training of our kids! The more work we do at home to raise kids that respect people and things, the more likely our relationships with others can thrive and hospitality can be reciprocated. It's awkward for single friends to not return an invite because the kids don't know how to respect a space. (Obviously, kids are kids - they get into things and are curious. But self control is a taught trait from a young age as well. More on that on my blog and Instagram)
• My single friends aren't possessive. I have noticed an open handed approach to relationships among the singles I know. They are fulfilled and content in their walk with God and their view of relationships, and that makes them fantastic to be around. They spend time with us when they can, or when we can, but no one feels left out or hurt when priorities shift or change.
• Josh and I try to reach out. As we have had more kids sometimes this get hard and we need to do better; but we love hanging out with our friends who are in a different stage and try to include them in events and hang outs!
  

Ultimately I think there is a Golden Rule at play: Am I taking an interest in my single friends' lives or just in their relationship status? And do they take an interest in my life stage and kids too? Because I see this reciprocation happening regularly, I have healthy relationships with singles and am so blessed by their presence and input in my life. I consider the single and married people my girls know to be some of their greatest gifts - influences who will impact my girls for years to come, I hope in their own singleness one day.

It really comes back to loving others the way Christ loves us - selflessly.

When in doubt, reach out. That's something we try to live by. Try it, married or single!

What do you think? How have you cultivated community in your adult life?

(And if you want to get Phylicia's newsletter to read all her good thoughts, you can sign up here! It's one of the best emails I get :)