Life Right Now

When it comes to my social media and blog, I've been ignoring current events. I want something to still be normal and we're getting enough of all this virus stuff everywhere else, so why bring it into this space as well? Frankly, because to not talk about it is going a little too far.

I'm failing.

Me, the optimist, the one who can find something good about the worst sport season or major disappointments, I have really struggled with all of this. My optimism is failing me.

See, I cope with things in two main ways: acknowledge but refocus or ignore. I will fully admit that something is hard or bad but then I find something, anything, good to put my focus on. Yes this stinks, but look, this is good. Alternatively, I just shove it aside and move on. That's not really dealing with it but I do it more often than I probably should but it usually works.

Neither approach is working for me this time. It's pretty hard to ignore something when your planner is an empty reminder that the world is cancelled. It's hard to refocus when it seems like each new day brings news of something else shutdown or more restrictions. Yes, I'm an introvert, but I like doing things and seeing people too and I don't like being forced into things.

Now we get to the heart of some of my anger and frustration (no fear here, but plenty of other emotions). We weren't asked to not do things or not go places. We were told. I want to cooperate, not obey. I didn't realize how much of a rebel was hiding inside of me. I wish they had played things differently.

I'm mourning the loss of things I look forward to for months/a whole year. I'm mourning the loss of little things like going to the library or SOZO. I'm battling anger. I have good days and bad days. But shoving it away or refocusing isn't working this time. I HAVE to let myself feel. I have to let myself acknowledge these emotions but the trouble becomes not staying there. I've been getting bogged down in the emotions, leading to the hard days.

I'm thankful for friends who admit that they've cried too. I'm glad I've gotten to see my "sister" friend from Nashville. And I'm wondering, from past experience, what will be be thanking God for when this is over?

The Bible says to "rejoice always" and "give thanks in all circumstances". God is still working and sometimes we look back and see how one pain spared us from another. So this question lurks at the back of my mind:

What will we thank God for later?