How Do We Respond To Grief?

I'm going to get a little deep today. This may seem to come out of left field, but there is a purpose and a reason.

A gentlemen at my church died last Friday. He was a grandfather but not that old. Cancer is no respecter of age. This man was a founding member of our church. His grandsons are my age and a year older; his granddaughters are several years older and a year or two younger. I've grown up with them. I've walked alongside them through other tragedies and each time I wonder how to help. What do you say? What can you do?

I also just read a book called The Color Of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn. It is a beautiful book but it's also very sad. Both of them endured unimaginable pain but God brought redemption and healing. It's a book about loss and I cried. But what stood out to me was their response to the people trying to help them through their grief.

People want to say and do things for those they care about who are grieving. I don't remember much that was said to me when my granddad died, but I do remember that I just loved having my friends and family around me. I also did not want to look at his body. I do not like looking at bodies. At the funeral, my mom told me to come and look one last time before they closed the casket and I vigorously shook my head no. She had forgotten, and that's okay, but people all need different things when they are grieving. We all grieve differently.

What do you do when you aren't sure how to help? Based on my experiences and what I read in this book, I would offer up two suggestions. The first is just be there. You don't have to say anything. Look them in the eye, maybe give them a hug, but just let them know that you are there for them. The second thing is, if you are close to the family or person, tell them to let you know what they need. That's what I would do. I would tell them that if they want to talk, we can talk. If they want to pretend that all is normal for a time, that's what we'll do.

I can tell you, again from personal experience, that it is so freeing to have people give you the power to decide how to handle something. When I was in high school, I went through a really hard experience and my co-op family obviously wanted to be there for me but they asked; did I want to pretend everything was normal or did I want to talk about it and be comforted? I asked to have a normal day and that's what we did. I felt so loved by how they handled the situation. They all knew and they cared enough to give me what I desperately needed; a sense of normalcy after things just spun out of control.

If you are close to someone who has lost of loved one or experienced some other kind of life-altering circumstances, let them know that you are there for them and let them lead the way. If they aren't talking about, don't press. Sure, let them know that you are willing to talk, but then leave it alone.

Another tip: don't say "oh it must be so hard". When my friend was moving because her husband got a call to another church, I was not just losing a friend, but my goddaughter. Several well-meaning people said that and also, "you must really miss them" after they had gone. Look, I understand that people wanted to say something and didn't know what and that they meant well, but that's just not helpful in any way. So please, don't say stuff like that. It's better to not say anything at all.

This is what's on my heart and mind right now. It's not easy navigating someone else's pain. We'll make mistakes and sometimes handle things poorly. No one has a magic formula for how to handle grief. It's not what we were created for. I hope that maybe these suggestions, learned from experience and a book, might be helpful to you, because you will encounter grief someday.