Can We Really Have It All?

Before I left Instagram, I saw a Carousel about female Olympic athletes. The gist of it was that these women had found a way to “have it all”. And it got me thinking… are they right? Can we really have it all?

The short answer is “no”.

Nothing is truly 50/50. Something is always getting more of us and our time. As long as you recognize that, it’s fine. But we are told that it’s “all or nothing” or that we can “have it all” and both are lies.

My granddad always insisted that no one can be good at multi-tasking. His point was that you aren’t really multi-tasking. One of the things is getting more of your attention at any given point and the others are put to the side for that moment. So when we tell women that they can “have it all” - and usually that is meant to say “you can be a Pinterest mom and run multiple businesses” or “you can be an elite athlete and cook all your family’s meals” - what is being said is “you can multi-task and balance it all equally”. But that’s not true. When you are juggling two (or more) things, something will win out, even if it is very slightly.

(Note: those pairings above are not intended to be a “good and bad” but just compare two things that can’t go together.)

I’ve tried to remove the phrase “I don’t have time” from my life. I have a certain amount of time and I get to choose what I prioritize. So when I say “I don’t have time” for watching TV shows or YouTube channels, the reality is that I chose to read books instead. I’m giving up the shows and channels for a book. It’s a tradeoff that I’m happy to make.

We don’t like to admit this but we as women have a lot of tradeoffs to make. If we work outside of the home, we are trading off time with kids (if we have them), time to clean, time to run errands. Those get moved to the evening, which means you’re trading time with people to do those things. If you’re working within the home, you still have to prioritize time to work at the expense of other things. And if you’re a stay-at-home mom who doesn’t earn money (because we need to be honest, you are working!), you’re trading off the income for that time to clean and run errands during the day. Some SAHMs also homeschool, so you get that time with your kids.

I’m going to pause here to say that I am NOT shaming anyone for their choices.

But this is so important because I think that this idea is what leads to so much shame and guilt. If we are told we can “have it all” but our reality tells us otherwise, then we think we are failing or doing something wrong. What we are failing at is trying to achieve a lie. I’m not failing when I read books instead of watching TV shows. The person who watches shows instead of reading is not failing. We are making choices. We are picking our priorities. And by default, other things get less time and attention.

We can’t have it all.

Saying yes to something means saying no to something else (at least one thing, maybe more).

So we pick what is most important to us and let the rest fall behind. Sometimes the “no” is a forever “no”. Other times it just means you do it later or maybe less often. No matter what, other things are falling to the back burner and that’s okay.

Hear me clearly: I am not here to say that “work/life balance” is a lie. Or that we don’t do a ton of juggling and balancing in life. But we need to realize that those “balances” are not 50/50. They are at best 60/40 and probably more like 70/30. Each day, week, month, and year will change what thing(s) need to have more of our time and attention. There is nothing shameful, bad, or wrong in that. It’s life. We just need to realize that.

I believe the sense of shame, guilt, pressure, and failure would lessen greatly, if not disappear, if women didn’t have the tension of being told they can have it all but living the reality that they can’t. Let’s bring the lie into the light and start to loosen its hold on us. In pursuit of that, I’d love to hear something that you chose in your life and what you’re saying “no” to by doing that!


Here is a great article that will be a series about work and motherhood!