Ask This Question At Holiday Gatherings

We are just on the other side of a busy holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's means lots of gatherings with family and friends, as well as seeing people we might only see once or twice a year. That can mean awkward questions from these people who mean well but don't always think about what they are asking. I think there is a better question that we can ask.

It might seem like this is a post that I should have written BEFORE the holidays, but I've been thinking about it this holiday season and you can save it for the next round of gatherings :)

If you didn't figure it out, here are some examples of questions that people often ask at gatherings:

• Are you dating anyone?
• When are you getting married?
• When are you having kids?
• Where are you working?
• What are your plans?

These are well-meaning questions, but they assume a lot and most of the time, people don't know what has been going on behind the scenes. Questions like these can cause a lot of pain and create an awkward conversation. Let's look at possible scenarios for each question.

Are You Dating Anyone?
Maybe she has never been asked out or he just got rejected when he asked a girl out. Maybe they recently broke up a long-term relationship. Maybe they really wish they were dating someone but circumstances have not worked out for that to become a reality. In these situations, a "simple" question can be very painful. Or maybe they aren't interested in a relationship right now!

When Are You Getting Married?
If a couple has been dating for a while, people can get antsy and start asking when the wedding is happening. Not every couple has the same timeline. Maybe the guy needs more time to save up enough for a ring and a down-payment on a house or a few months' rent. Maybe they want to finish school first. There could be any number of circumstances that mean they need or want to wait to get married.

When Are You Having Kids?
I think *most* people don't ask this question because infertility is more widely acknowledged. Before you ask this question, think about the fact that maybe this couple really wants to have kids and are struggling. Even if that is not the case, everyone has their own timeline.

Where Are You Working/What Are Your Plans?
These questions can be overwhelming for people who are between jobs or getting ready to graduate. For others who aren't doing what they want to do or think they "should" be doing, it can be an embarrassing question.

So what should we be asking?

The next time you are seeing family and friends you don't see much, just ask them to tell you about themselves and their year. Then they can choose what they want to share. Maybe they just had a tough break up but they'll tell you all about their wonderful job that they love. Or maybe the couple who is struggling to get pregnant will be thrilled to tell you about their trip and the work they are doing on their house. People have a lot to share, but the normal questions put restrictions on what we are asking to hear. By asking them to tell you about what their year has been like, you are giving them the freedom to share what they want.

And if you are person getting asked these questions, try to remember that they are asked with good intentions. I know how annoying it is to be asked year after year if you have a boyfriend yet, but I also know that people love me and just want what they think is best for me.

(I am reading a book called "Single Today" by Ryan Wekenman. It is coming out in April - I have an advanced copy - and it's amazing! I've learned a lot and it's inspired me to make changes in my life. Definitely recommend getting a copy when it comes out.)


What has been your experience with holiday questions? Do you have other suggestions of things to ask?